I’m gonna get personal, I have to let it out. Free it to this space, in hopes that it will dissipate and build energy in new directions.
The beginning of my season, has not been my typical. Usually, I show to the line happy-go-lucky, relaxed and ready for what ever is to come….”usually” because i am blessed with good races, void of drama. This year, different story. They say roll with the punches well, I’ve been rolling for a while.
This past summer has been a challenge, dealing with divorce, moving, broken bones, broken hearts, kids, finding a team, etc. I could go on and on about the challenges, but we all have our own. The piercing light of passion that shone through all of this was fueled by the basic instinct of survival to do what i love most, ride and race my bike. Headstrong determination not to quit. I’ve been tired, worn and weary but the bike still brought me life, solace, and gratitude.
I am now sick of the phrase “it’s only September”. By this time last season i had three UCI podiums and was running high. This year its one mistake or flop after another. I keep telling myself, “this is the weekend you move past this streak”, but another race, another episode. Kind of feels like my summer, once i think i’ve moved past something another “something” comes up. A wearing rock against the pounding sea. These failed races are not for lack of wherewithal or preparation, i’ve put my nose to the grind stone every chance i’ve had. This is the hardest part.
Racing for me is primal, a way to free that raw energy that moves through instinct. Release me from the cage for the hunt, the fight, the flight. It’s bottled up in me, unable to be released in our pampered, manicured lives we’ve lulled ourselves into. It’s a cry to freedom. Its pure. If i can’t have it, then release me to the ocean, where i can be cradled by buoyant waters, soothed by the sea.
Funny thing is, this should be my golden year as i love my new team and the dynamics could not be better. I will use this as a space to grow and thankfully they give me time to relax and find my rhythm. I will try not to force the racing, we all know this doesn’t work. I will find the lesson, chalk it up to yet another challenge and know that there is reward and gift in what is difficult.
I am building energy, fire to be released on course, and yes it will come together in a moment glory. Just be patient. My life’s lesson.
Thank you to all my friends, fans and sponsors for believing in me and supporting me. We all know that it’s not only about the bike but what you do off the bike also. I’ve faltered and broken down, had some missteps and have not been my best. These are moments that i recognize and strive to be better. The Love i receive from people around me holds me up and brings me peaceful light. Thank you for being part of that light.